The Moment I Knew
by DetectiveNight
Summary: When he didn't show, it was the moment Olivia knew that she had to let him go for good. Songfic.


**A/N: Okay, so I've never posted my fanfics online before. I usually just write them in pages and leave them there for my eyes only. However, I wrote this while I had no power thanks to Hurricane Sandy, and I've been wanting to post something to this site for ages. This is the only fic I'm not embarrassed about, so I figured I'd give it a shot and post it. I hope you enjoy it, and please...be nice in the reviews. :)**

**I do not own any of the characters in the story, those go to Dick Wolf. I also do not own the song, Taylor Swift does.**

**Also, this wasn't beta'd, so any mistakes are mine.**

_You should have been there,_

_Should have burst through the door with that 'Baby, I'm right here.' smile._

_And it would have felt like a million little shining stars had just aligned,_

_And I would have been so happy._

Olivia never enjoyed her birthday.

It was merely another reminder of her biological clock ticking, something that she never remembered looking forward to, even as a child. Although it was around Christmastime, and everyone was usually in the holiday cheer around her, she wasn't. She never was.

Yet, here she was, surrounded by her friends as they sang happy birthday to her and raised their glasses with a toast. Olivia could feel a blush creeping up in her cheeks as she smiled, blowing the candles out on the cake Amanda had made her. The whole squad had put together a party for her at Murphy's, their usual spot for a night cap. At first, Olivia was completely against the idea, saying that turning forty seven was something she didn't want to celebrate. For the next week and a half, however, she was prodded by everyone in the squad, and when Fin told her that a certain someone would be there, she gave in and complied.

Now, in the midst of her birthday celebration, she still didn't feel the least bit excited. Of course, she put on a happy face, not wanting to upset anyone, but she really just wanted to go home and curl up on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Olivia didn't want to celebrate getting older, she didn't want to celebrate another lonely year of her life, but most of all...she didn't want to see _him_.

_Christmas lights glisten,_

_I keep my eye on the door,_

_Just waiting for you to walk in._

_But the time is tickin',_

_People ask me how I've been as I comb back through my memory._

_How you said you'd be here._

_You said you'd be here._

While the cake was being distributed, Olivia's eyes darted to the door. When Fin first told her that Elliot was coming, she didn't know how to feel. The last she had heard of him was when he sent her his Semper Fi medallion. He still hadn't called, hadn't made any attempt to see her, so she slowly began to push the remains of him from her life. His medallion, one of his old hoodies, some old pictures, and other memorabilia now sat in a box at the bottom of her closet. She hadn't opened it since she put it there about a year ago, and wasn't planning to anytime soon.

Suddenly, she felt someone come up behind her and heard Fin's voice in her ear, snapping her out of her haze.

"He's comin', babygirl, I promise." He soothed, causing Olivia to give him a small smile and nod, taking a sip of her beer.

The feeling in the pit of her stomach told her not to believe him. Why should she? It was bizarre enough that Elliot said he was coming, and him being three hours late was telling her to stop hoping, to accept the fact that he wasn't coming. Taking another gulp of her drink, Olivia sighed, desperate for these next few hours to pass quickly.

_And it was like slow motion,_

_Standing there in my party dress._

_In red lipstick,_

_With no one to impress._

_And they're all laughing,_

_As I'm looking around the room._

_But there's one thing missing,_

_And that was the moment I knew._

Time passed, and the alcohol was slowly seeping into everyone's system. Each person told a story from their years at SVU, mostly the odd predicaments they would sometimes get into, some of which had everyone in stitches. Olivia willed herself to have fun, to forget him and try to enjoy this night that was dedicated to her. She had moved on to vodka, enjoying the burning sensation as it went down her throat. In some sick way, she was punishing herself for even getting excited about his supposed arrival. But in the back of her mind she knew no amount of liquid encouragement could help her get through this.

_And the hours pass by,_

_Now I just want to be alone,_

_But your close friends always seem to know when there's something really wrong,_

_So they follow me down the hall._

_And there in the bathroom,_

_I try not to fall apart,_

_And the sinking feeling starts as I say hopelessly 'He said he'd be here.'._

Eventually, Olivia grew tired of the people around her, of their laughter and happiness, and decided to go to the bathroom so she could at least have a few minutes to herself. As she got up, however, Amanda and Fin followed, and she felt him grab her arm lightly.

"Liv? Where you goin'? The party is just getting started!" He exclaimed, causing her to chuckle.

"Can't a girl freshen up, Fin? I'll be out in a few." Olivia joked, surprised that she was able to keep her emotions in check.

"You want me to come with you? I could use a little freshening up too." Amanda suggested, causing Olivia to shake her head. _'Please, for the love of god, I just want to be alone.'_ Olivia thought, letting out a sigh of relief when Fin and Amanda left to go join the others.

Walking to the back of the bar where the restrooms were, she entered the women's room and stood in front of the mirror. She looked tired, even her dress and makeup couldn't hide that. Tears began to rise in her eyes as she realized how pathetic she was. She looked her best for a man who she hadn't seen in more than a year, a man who up and left her without a goodbye. God, why did Elliot Stabler manage to drive her insane with everything he did?

_And what do you say,_

_When tears are streaming down your face,_

_in front of everyone you know?_

_And what do you do,_

_When the one who means the most to you,_

_Is the one who didn't show._

When she returned about fifteen minutes later, everyone seemed ten times more intoxicated then when she first left. This of course made certain people brave enough to bring up the topic everyone had been tip toeing around.

"So, Liv, tell us about your infamous partnership with one Elliot Stabler since the bastard isn't here to tell us himself!" An obviously way-too-far-gone Nick called out, causing everyone to fall silent.

Olivia froze, unsure of what to say, before a smile graced her features as she hid her fear well and prayed the tears rising in her eyes wouldn't slip down her cheeks.

"Well, uh..." She stuttered, unsure of how to sum up the happiness, pain, and love that was their partnership the last decade.

"He was a great partner, that's all I can say. We did our job, became friends along the way...there isn't much more to say." Olivia said softly, shattering the hope she had of keeping a strong demeanor.

"Are you pissed he didn't come? We all know how in loooooove with him you are!" An intoxicated Munch slurred, earning a punch to the arm from Fin.

Olivia shook her head, letting out a dry chuckle. God, she could kill Munch and Amaro right now.

"I think the FBI finally realized you've caught on to their plans, Munch, and implanted some kind of bug in your head..." She snapped, which caused Munch to go on a drunken rant of how much he hated the feds. Soon, everyone sunk back into their own conversation, and Olivia sat back down between Fin and Cragen.

Not being able to resist, her eyes went to the door, but he wasn't there. He wasn't coming, and he had let her down once again.

_You should've been here,_

_And I would've been so happy._

Eventually, people began to say their goodbyes, and by two AM the only people left were Olivia and Cragen. As she sat there, nursing her last drink of the night, she watched him get up and slip on his coat. He could see the pain in her eyes, and added another reason to the list of why he desperately needed to kick Elliot's ass for hurting her.

"Liv," He whispered, watching as she looked up at him with those same pained eyes. "Go home. Get some sleep." Leaning down, he gave her a small hug, gripping onto the brunette for a few seconds before pulling back.

"Happy Birthday, Liv." He said genuinely, putting money down for his drinks before leaving.

_You call me later,_

_And said 'I'm sorry I didn't make it.',_

_And I said 'I'm sorry too.'._

Olivia gathered her things a few minutes after Cragen left, slipping on her coat as she braced herself to go out in the cold. After saying goodnight to the bartender, thanking him for everything, she left the smoky bar and made her way down the nearly empty streets to her apartment. The cold wind blew her hair back, causing her to shiver and wrap her coat tighter around her frame.

The warmth of her apartment was welcomed when she stepped through the threshold about fifteen minutes later. After hanging her coat in the closet and slipping off her heels, Olivia was just making her way to her bedroom when the shrill of her cellphone broke the silence.

Figuring it was someone from the squad making sure she got home okay, she dug through her purse to pull out her iPhone. Seeing Elliot's name flash across her screen, she froze. What the hell? Pressing answer, she braced herself for hearing his voice for the first time in two years.

"Hello?" Olivia whispered, her voice cracking. Dammit. She thinks, not wanting to show any type of emotion to him.

"Hey, Liv." He said cheerfully, which surprised her. Why the fuck is he so cheery? He stood her up! On her birthday! He really was an arrogant bastard. While cursing him in her head, he continued speaking.

"Look, I'm really sorry I didn't make it tonight. Something came up that I couldn't get out of and...Liv? You there?" Elliot questioned when he heard nothing but silence coming from her end of the line. He didn't even hear her breathing.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, the tears she had fought so hard to hold back slipping down her face like rivers. She had nothing to say to him, that much was certain. After tonight, she really was going to push him out of her life forever.

"I'm sorry too, El. I'm sorry too." She whispered brokenly, hanging up before turning her phone off completely.

_And that was the moment I knew._

Throwing the object onto the couch, Olivia wiped her cheeks and made her way to her bedroom so she could get some sleep. It was obvious he didn't need her anymore like she still needed him, and she wasn't going to waste time hoping he would come back to her. Olivia needed to focus on the people who _did_ need her, the victims she helped day in and day out, and to do that...she needed some sleep.

After washing the makeup off of her face and putting on a pair of pajamas, Olivia slipped into bed, her tired body nearly screaming at her to go to sleep. As she shut off the light and let her eyes close, Olivia mumbled into the darkness.

"Goodbye, Elliot."

**A/N # 2: Hope you all enjoyed! Thanks for reading!**


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